Gary Rinsem

Vicki, First In 21 Years

My second true love, lasted only two months. We were split by circumstance, only partly within our control. Lost for two decades, Vicki was found and immediately lost again.


Midnight and I'm exhausted. This was the best day since February 20, 1995, the last day BB and I were together.

Without her last name my searches for Vicki have been even more futile than searching for Tami. One strange memory flashes into my mind and suddenly I know her name. I'll make sure that odd beautiful unlikely ever to happen photographic memory never leaves me. One instant in time 21 years ago, I looked it up, November 19, 1982. I just checked aboard the ship and was sitting on the flight deck leaned against a handrail. Flight deck non skid in the background, my dungaree covered legs as the next layer in the image with my hands holding her letter as the top layer. It's faded some already, I can't read her name at the bottom of the letter.

Rushing to the computer I found Vicki minutes later. Without bothering to study her web site I immediately clicked the "Email Me" link.


It's been 21 years but I believe you'll still remember me fondly, as I remember you.

Please call or email me immediately.


20 minutes later I answered the phone to a woman sobbing uncontrollably. I smiled to even hear Vicki crying. I finally know she is still alive. So much more than I've known all these years. I managed to say "Hello Vicki" before I began crying. So many years, so much life lived without each other, it's not fair, I can't stand it.

It will take weeks to write our 6 hour phone call, but I couldn't sleep without writing something just to know I would remember at least the date that I finally found Vicki. I think my sentences are rambling, too tired to be sure. Goodnight.

July 17, 2020

I was never able to write about the six hour phone call. It was too late by the time I tried, it was no longer a happy memory and all I've done thinking about her since is to cry uncontrollably. I couldn't write it because I knew by then that Vicki was lost again, forevermore. I had hope, but I knew it was unlikely. Hell, I still have hope. Another seventeen years have passed and I still can not accept it. I want her in my life. I have Vicki's story begun, but I can't seem to write any more of it. What I've written is trash.

How can I have four deep loves and still have lived my life with none. I partly blame myself for Tami, I have so many regrets. Reversing any one of them could have resulted in a chance for us to have lived our lives together. Mostly there's no blame to be had, we were just too young in a society that creates ridiculous confusion in young people's minds, concerning love and lust.

I'm not responsible for losing Vicki. It was entirely her bad decision which caused it. We both have suffered, but her far more than me.

BB were killed by a derelict piece of garbage driving a truck. That's not my fault, but my life ended with theirs 25 years ago.


Nikki, Erica and Susan were nice distractions, but all through them I longed for my true loves. I haven't heard from Nikki and Erica since Sue died. A search shows they're still married. At least they still share the same address and last name. Janet still shows that crappy apartment as her address, since about 2007. The girls from the crew are also still where I last saw them. I often consider calling, but don't. There's no point in it a decade later. That was an incredible mental experience that ended for all of us. Still I hope they think of me, and find the Easter eggs I've laid for them on my new web site. They'll smile if they recognize the subtle ones and laugh at the obvious. They'll still get it, but they'll never see it. Even if they search my name, they won't find the site without checking my Facebook profile. That's my only chance of anyone finding it.

I'm convinced Tami doesn't have a Facebook account under any name, if she did it would be linked to her mother and sister's profiles. Even if Tami got a link in a search she couldn't view my profile. That kills the entire reason for the web site. My options are... either text a link to what I think is HER cell phone (and hope it's not her husband's phone) or send a link to her sister and mother's Facebook accounts with a message asking them to forward it to Tami. Seems as risky as the first option. Third possibility I can imagine is to get my sister to contact Tami for me. Sue is smart, she could pull it off, but it's a difficult thing to ask. I'd be excited to do it for her, but I understand. I doubt Suzy understands. I don't think she ever had a True Love.