Gary Rinsem

Last Sadness I Can Endure
Written 4-7-2021

Why 2004 was a very good year and a very bad year.

In the midst of memory abnormalities in 2004, I found and contacted my deepest love. It finally occurred to me to use a reunion service. They were a couple who fancied themselves private detectives, but advertised on the internet that they could reunite lost family and loves. Today, Tami is easy to find even knowing nothing but her birth name. It took less than 5 minutes. By 2004 I had used the internet to search for her many times... with no result.

In 2004, I sent her a very simple note with the two pictures from prom night. I expected nothing less than an instant phone call standing at her PO box, to say hi and make plans to talk. I expected it to take at least three days, assuming she wouldn't check her PO box daily.

Many strange things began happening on the evening of the third day. I'd been plagued for years by a stalker from my past. I suspected it was Tami. That would explain never hearing from her and she was the only person from my life that I could imagine holding such a strong attachment to me. I'm sorry Tami, I should have known better, but the facts seemed to line up for all those years. I only discovered the identity of the stalker in May of 2020, but I didn't believe it was Tami after a letter from her in 2004.

Some time passed, a few weeks I think, with an ever increasing string of stalking events. Yet... no contact from the love of my life. The last great mistake of my life was to send her another letter, it's on the next page of this journal.

A seemingly great deal of time passed when one day I got a letter from my dearest love. My long reply is the page after next, but I couldn't mail it. As desperately as I still want her to get that letter, I will never do anything that could cause her a problem.

Bye, that's all I'm able to write and it's enough.