Gary Rinsem

New Years Morning
January 1, 2021

My norm, a new journal on day one of a new year...

January 1, 2021 @ 2:00 am

Yesterday I found and read my journals from January 1976. Once again I read all about the New Years Eve party that Tami and Cindy and I went to. Below is what that reading put into my head.

I feel like a broken record, do I sound like one? At midnight I was thinking of New Years Eve 1975, with Tami and Cindy at Gordon Watt's house. It's been the same thoughts probably every New Years Eve since that party. I've spent many of those 45 nights by myself, quietly crying over the loss of all my loves.

Tami and Cindy both barfed all over the outside of my car and all over the car next to it. I found them collapsed on the ground between the two cars. I had to ring the doorbell at Cindy's house. She was too drunk to even answer when asked if she had a key. I was uncomfortable putting my hand in her pockets to find out. Pants were too tight anyway. Her father didn't SAY anything. The look was more than enough and the talk the next day finished it. He didn't blame me, but he was terribly confused. He thought Cindy and I were a couple. It took a bit of talking to convince him we were friends. He kept thinking I was afraid to tell him I was dating his daughter.

I had no problem getting Tami to her bed. That night it seemed we'd been together our entire lives. Her house and her bedroom were a familiar place where I felt completely at home. Tami's dad was not quite understanding, but also not unreasonable the next day. Unlike Cindy's dad, Tami's dad blamed me because I was the boy and I was driving and I was 2 1/2 years older. Tami was only 14 years old. How young she was is absolutely incredible when I consider the adult attitudes and activities we were involved in. Not just sex, that's only a small part of it. At the time I lacked the perspective to see that we were living well beyond our age.


I've done it so often that it's almost a tradition to start a new journal entry on New Years Day, then regularly add notes for a few months. Starting a new year crying again over my lost loves and living without them. I guess that's the overall story of my life. It started when I was sixteen. I cried in bed about Tami the night we met. I had no idea know why I was crying, until seven years later. I finally realized that I'd known from the start that I had fallen in love, but had no chance of living our lives together. We were too young when we met. When we parted I was too confused to hold it together a bit longer, until we could have evolved into an adult couple. I've been overly emotional about Tami for all but the first sixteen years of my life. For all these years, thoughts of her have caused me to hide from everyone as I began crying about it. Losing Vicki didn't hit nearly as hard because losing her was a slow process and I fell in love again with BB during the process. Loss of BB destroyed me. Like thoughts of Tami, I still can't stop crying when certain thoughts of BB come to mind. Crying to hard to see the screen right now. It's not right to have four deep loves stuck in my heart with none in my life, for most of my life. Especially the last 25 years.